8. International Star Registry

So I'm listening to the radio the other day and I hear a commercial for "International Star Registry," a company that you pay to name a star after you. OK, who gave what authority to whom to name stars after people. Does the "International Star Registry" own the stars? If so, how the fuck did they pull that off? Who had the rights to the stars previously? And how did they get those rights in the first place? Can you just squat on the stars like they're some piece of abandoned land? Do you have to pay extra to get a star that is more visible in areas with high pollution? Can I buy the Asteroid Belt? I'm going to start selling clouds to people.

7. Decaf Coffee

"Do you want Regular or Decaf?"
"Oh, definitely Decaf. Then afterwords maybe we can go to the bar and drink some O'Douls. How's that sound? Then maybe we can go buy a fleece jacket that has no sleeves, or maybe some Capri pants. What do ya say?"

What the hell is the point of a Decaf coffee? I thought the whole reason people drink coffee is to wake up; that's why they find a way to make that disgustingly bitter, black poison drinkable with all of that sugar and cream they dump in there. What, are you drinking it just because you like to drink something that tastes so bad that you have to cover up its flavor? Right about now you might be saying "well what about the people who take their coffee black?" Well those people are fucking crazy and have obviously been drinking coffee for too long if their taste buds have become immune to that horribly awful tasting shitty splooge of a drink. Have you ever tried black coffee? I would rather drink the blood from a dying skunk with Rabies and Syphilis than EVER, EVER, EVER try black coffee again. Holy God it's fucking terrible.

6. Halloween

Not the halloween where kids go around the neighborhood and get candy, that halloween is awesome. I'm talking about the halloween where people older than 13 participate.

Listen 14 year olds, you're almost in high school, you aren't allowed to go around and take candy from perfectly deserving children. I know getting free candy sounds pretty good, but get over it and stop being a loser. If you are in high school and you still trick-or-treat that's just deplorable. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to be spotted by the group of Abercrombie douche bags and watch them give you a swirly before your Intro to Triganometry class.

Another thing about you high schooler's, more specifically high school girls, if you are already going to halloween parties dressed as an angel or devil but really its just some whore suit, stop, you aren't in college yet. Don't worry though you'll have plenty of time to dress up like a stripper and say you're only doing it because it's halloween, when really we all know that you would do it everyday if it were more socially acceptable.

I do have some good news for those of you who fall into this category however, it's not too late to apply to fashion school; there you can dress like a whore every damn day if you want and fit right in. So with that being said, I hope everyone has a great day and a wonderful halloween.

5. "I Could Care Less"

-"Really? So you care at least a little bit?"
-"What? No I said I COULD care less."
-"Right, so you care a least the minimal amount."
-"Dude no, you don't get what I'm saying."
-"No idiot, you don't get what you're saying, do you know what the word COULD means?"
-"Of course I do moron."
-"Really? Because saying that you COULD do something means that it's possible for you to do it."
-"Dude, you lost me."
-"Jesus. If you COULD care less, it means that it's possible for you to....Fuck it, just nevermind."

Why are people so Goddamned stupid? It's "I COULDN'T care less." Fucking idiots.

4. People Are Afraid of Mice

In the words of Job Bluth, "COME ON!!" I mean look at this thing. As far as I'm concerned this is one cute God damn piece of shit. And I say that with the maximum amount of affection. How come everytime I look at a "cute" baby I think "that baby isn't cute at all," but when I see an "ugly" mouse I just think "awww"? And someone explain this to me, how is this scary and a hamster is cute? A mouse is pretty much adorable and I'm sick of them having the bad reputation that they do. So get your unfounded knee jerk reations out of here and get with the program people, I'm sick of this shit.

3. Lower Back Tatoos

The way I have always understood the motivation behind tattoos is that they serve as a way to express yourself; permanently. Well when it comes to these lower back tattoos on what seems to be almost every girl I look at, the only thing I see is a girl expressing the fact that she is either a slut; a tease; someone who is dependant upon turning heads in order to feel good about themselves, or someone with an identity as flexible as whatever trend is popular at the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti tattoo. I just think that if you're going to get yourself inked for life, it should be something that you are 100% sure you know you are going to want to see staring back at you in the mirror until the day you die. Not something you can't even see in the mirror because it's designed to get your ASS more attention.

Remember what the tattoo trend was not too long ago? Those ill-thought out tat's that had some design around a girl's belly button (displayed in Spike Lee's '25th Hour' by Anna Paquin). Yeah, how are those things looking now that a bunch of you have had kids?

These things are permanent. And in however many years it takes for these back tat's to become the bellbottoms that they are, guess what? You're still going to have to wear them. Isn't that hilarious? Of course you could go through a really painful and expensive laser removal process. Or you could try something really crazy for a change.....Be unique and don't buy in to some lame trend just because every other cookie cutter of a girl does it too.

2. Sarah Palin

So I just got done watching Gov. Palin get interviewed by Charlie Gibson, and all I can say is wow. Without getting too much into the hypocrisy that has been illuminated about Republicans with this pick, (I.E. all of the sudden becoming the party of tolerance, putting aside criticisms of babies being conceived out of wedlock.) and without getting too much into the irony of her position of abstinence only education, nor making too much of an issue of her denial of the existence of dinosaurs, it is clear that she is not ready nor qualified to be one step away from leading the United States.

Setting aside these types of character issues, and focusing on her lack of understanding of the relevant issues of our day is sufficient enough to point out why she was a terrible choice for John McCain. And when I say terrible, I certainly do not mean it was a terrible political decision; so far it has proven to be a great POLITICAL decision for him. We'll see if that keeps up, if she does too many more of these interviews compounded with her debate against Joe Biden, that might very well change.

The reason she has proven to be a good political decision is because the McCain campaign and Republicans alike have done an outstanding job of making her into a victim. It seems as though the Republicans want to market Gov. Palin as an "average" American just like everyone else, and the "snobby," "elite," "Ivy League," liberals are beating her up for it. They've figured out that it is not about the substance of one's policies or arguments. Instead it is about whether Americans can identify with one's personality and struggles.

A couple of things, first she is not an average American. She is a Governor of 1 of the 50 states in America. Let's do some math. 300 Million people in America and of those 50 are Governors. Reducing that, for every 6 Million people in America there is 1 person like Sarah Palin. So if we can be reasonable and understand that people who think she is "average" are falling for a marketing campaign, lets consider this. When George Bush ran for President he ran on the same logic. He was just like everyone else, an average American that spoke like one and was in touch with middle America. Well I hope EVERYONE can agree, that is, was and will always be absolute horseshit. (Except for the speaking part.)

But I would rather her not be average because I have never understood why electing an average person to the 2nd highest office in our land is a good thing. Especially after the last 8 years, I think its time for someone in there that know's what the hell they are talking about; not someone who you can relate to. And the reason is this, most people don't know things like what the Bush Doctrine is, and that's fine because most people aren't trying to be the next VP; they shouldn't be looked down upon for not knowing. However, if you intend to run for national office you better know what it is because it's your job to know. Would you hire someone to be a divorce attorney who was unfamiliar with the term "prenup?" Of course not because that would be mindless and stupid. I don't understand why in virtually every other field we look for the best and the brightest to carry-out various jobs, but when it comes to politics we want someone that is just like us. "Seriously, you're getting divorced? Well just have Bob from next door figure it out for you. He seems authentic." Complete nonsensical malarkey.

Gov. Palin not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is, even though her son is going to fight in a war that was started on its premise, is very average of her. That does not, however, change the fact that she still is not average, and here's why. You may not know what the Bush Doctrine is, but the good thing is, you don't have the power to make executive decisions; she does. Not average. When asked about what insights into Russia she has, she answered "They're our neighbor, and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska." Terribly unintelligent and very average. So I guess whenever Putin needs to talk to Bush he just yells over to Gov. Palin to go get him. How could seeing Russia from Alaska have anything to do with something like whether or not it's justified for Russia to invade Georgia? It was like an answer an unprepared high school student would give in class if he/she were asked that same question by Mr. Gibson.

She came out earlier this month and implied that Fannie Mae and Freddi Mac were funded by tax payers, and did not operate as private companies. This is simply not true, they are being bailed out by tax payers which is not at all the same. Now if you're like me at all you might not have known this; I am just now starting to gain a mild understanding of what is happening to these institutions. But again, you and I are not running for Vice President in the wake of a potential major economic crises. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS STUFF!!

She also came out and asked on CNBC's Kudlow and Co. What a VP does? Well Governor, the official job of the Vice-President is to serve as the President of the Senate. Hopefully, if elected, you won't utilize your President pro tempore (a position whose responsibilities she is also probably unfamiliar with) and will show up to do the official job of the VP as much as possible. Because, when I think of Sarah Palin sitting in on cabinet meetings I just don't feel like she has enough to contribute to justify being there.

I don't want someone like you, and I don't want someone like me. I want someone smarter than both of us, someone who deserves to be there. And unfortunately, Gov. Palin just falls short.